#everything abt it feels so unappealing

[yongseungkim]

.

[cruelsister-moved2]

this is so embarrassing but before i knew i was a lesbian and i was like 11 and i liked like innocent MG fantasy romances and id get really confused like boys are so not like that irl but girls kind of are so how do i get like a boyfriend but whos kind of like a girl + simultaneously would be super obsessed with having a 'best friend' like we will live together and buy each other jewellery and do everything together and be soulmates and she shouldnt like anyone else more than me ever..................................................................closeted lesbianism is honestly so embarrassing-_- and i feel like everyone is more aware of the existence of gay men but so possible to just be a blatantly lesbian child and be like what the hell is wrong with me oh well i guess when i get married to a man ill suddenly become a completely different person and everything will be fine^_^ i didnt even think of any of those things as romantic and at first i had difficulty even connecting those things to the idea of sexuality which had only ever been presented to me in a context which was super unappealing to me (again bc i think people have some lvl of awareness of sex between men but the idea of two women having sex would literally not even cross my mind until i was a teenager and even then i felt super in the dark abt working things out) just that intense loneliness and confusion of feeling so strange but not even understanding WHY + genuinely thinking that theres no one else in the world like you. anyway hilarious in hindsight and i wish all 12 year old confused closeted lesbians knew they can grow up and get girl boyfriend like its real

[leatherbookmark]

that being said, and i'm sorry for being a cunt, but

it's... very irritating to read mxtx gushing about how utterly likeable wwx is, how cute lwj is when he's got wwx on his brain, how xy is "trash yang" (this is not from the interview but from the chapter comments), or... whatever she said about jgy... is the interview in japanese or chinese? i've seen chinese terms brought up by the translators and i just ???

it's just like. girl? are we all stupid for reading like, moral greyness, unreliable narrators, Layers into your work? her answers can sound so... idk, shallow? at times. the part abt her "feeling bad for jgy, but please go die now" stayed in my mind for obvious reasons, and now the 狡猾, because: no, wait, hold up, why? i want to hear more! you wrote this character, this antagonist who isn't even working against the protagonist, who's similar but different, whose circumstances are tragic and understandable as such, and you just go... cool motive, still villain, go die? like, seriously?

on top of that, i always wince when people describe jgy as cunning, crafty, plotting, treacherous, manipulative great actor etcetc, because it paints him as this... confident grey eminence who's got everything under control, rather than a guy who just... tries to survive... there was a post abt wwx's manipulation -- literally pissing people off into doing what he wants them to do -- but he's never called manipulative. but someone who doesn't know jgy would think his moustache is a thing straight out of uzumaki. it's like boiling xy down to an insane psycho who's so craaaazy and evil! 100% deranged! it's just incorrect. it's not even "well yes, but it's actually deeper than you think", it's just wrong.

...and then i see the author doing the same. AM I INSANE.

similarly, it's kinda strange to read her gushing about wwx and lwj, because while i understand on a technical level that People Are Different, most of the fic writers i know/have read are drawn to characters because they're fucked up, complex, tragic; they're a puzzle, a fascinating mechanism. not a great guy who's so great and amazing, seriously, who wouldn't like him. have i mentioned that he and his boyfriend are in love that's stronger than everything else in the world? like. did you... write wwx being supremely obnoxious as a teen while thinking he's the coolest guy imaginable?

there was a time when i, still in the clutches of cql wgxn, saw a couple of novel excerpts and decided i hated them. wwx was so annoying! lwj was so different and unappealing! i'm not gonna read this book, it's going to ruin the characters for me! and i mean. it kind of did, but also it didn't. and i sort of... feel this way about the word of god. like, yeah, some of that stuff is interesting, although it's not anything i'd consider invaluable or even particularly enlightening -- but mostly. it's just annoying

[rexaleph]

Fruit pt 1 lmao

Back when I was first getting into perfume my assumptions around what was gonna work for me were in the vein of traditional men's fragrances from like when I was a kid and vague ideas around freshness and perhaps coniferous woods. However I'd come across a discussion of Byredo's Pulp and the way people spoke of it as this super strange, polarising, borderline unwearable art piece got me interested, so I tossed a sample of that into my cart, intrigued but expecting not to get it. Ofc I fell in love instantly. It was in fact the only fragrance I ended up liking out of everything I picked going by vibes and word associations, probably bc all of the others smelled of air freshener for the car. So i was like ok, it's fruit for me now, I am a fruit perfume person, and have looked p widely into that fragrance family since. Fig was always a note i was interested in bc it is allegedly central to Pulp, and its plant-like, soft-green juiciness is attractive to me in concept. However! As i started looking towards shifting my lifestyle away from a million samples and decants into a small number of truly beloved bottles, I came to the realization that the only even fruit adjacent thing I was immediately interested in having in a large volume is the fucking grapefruit cologne from Zara. And they don't even usually count citruses as a fruit! So fruit ended up not being my thing in practice, but the thought of it still haunts me. I feel like there should be a fruit for me out there. So i want to spend some time thinking abt the fruity scents that I've tried and maybe figure out where to go from here. I am about to get deeply weird once again.

So to start at the beginning - Pulp by Byredo.

Byredo is a brand with a deeply unappealing aesthetic. When I picture their bottles it is on a glass and gold tray in an influencer's white interior and that is not something I want to associate myself with. But given that the first perfume I fell in love with was one of theirs, I still pay attention to their line.

So Pulp is a very intense, tart, barely sweet fruit. The haters have often said that the fruit smell is fermented and rotten, but I perceive it to be on the other end of the sour fruit spectrum - green and underripe. It suggests maybe an inedibly hard pear. Another major feature - I keep saying "fruit" without specifying, because I struggle to discern anything particular. People will say apple, blackcurrant, citrus, fig. I do perceive the intense opening blackcurrant and maybe apple. Besides the that I get cedarwood, and i guess that woody-green-sweet effect could be a fig note. Pulp does not feel like it evolves much as it wears, but what it does is first fill the space around itself and then settle within minutes, which I think is a quality created by like carrier molecules. (I know of iso e super, which allegedly improves longevity but that would be the opposite effect i think, though i feel like it's in here as well. What i experience w Pulp feels like theres sth that increases volatility, momentarily dragging scent molecules into the air w it. Or theres just a lot of the cassis top note ingredient and much of it evaporates off quickly.)

This room-filling effect is what brings me to the haters' 2nd point that sticks in my mind: Pulp is less like a perfume for a person to wear and more of a large scale air freshener, not even for your home, but for hotel lobbies and shopping malls. And I think this is how I ended up feeling about Pulp - beautiful scent, but I don't want to wear it. There are other perfumes in this post I consider unperfumelike and don't want to wear for their industrial chemical quality, but those actually smell bad to me. I'm not generally concerned w wearability (outside of like not wearing strong or irritating things where people will be forced close to me), I don't think of perfume in terms of daytime vs evening or seasonality, but there is something about Pulp, however much I like it in theory, that makes it unwearable to me. Like whatever I'm looking to wear, be it sweet, fresh, complex, natural-produce-like, loud - Pulp is never the answer. I think what drew me in at first was it's brightnness and intensity, and how different it was from any perfume i had experienced before. I'm wearing it now and it is still impressive, mostly a powerful, mouthwatering blackcurrant; leaves, berries and wood sap. There's another strong natutalistic plant perfume I love - Vetiver Extraordinaire by Frederic Malle. I tried to articulate the vibe i get from it as "you can't fuck me, I'm a tree". Which, I love that for a cold deciduous tree trunk you can't get your arms around. To me right now Pulp also has a strong you can't fuck me aura, though I used to think of it as insanely attractive (the mouth-watering aspect, confusing different kinds of intense sensuality). But i guess being high-pitched, juicy and ultimately friendly and food-like, this is not the unfathomable remote unfuckability of nature; "you can't fuck me i'm covered in berries" is not sth i want to embody. I used to really love the idea of scent-as-art in a vacuum, but now I probably am more concerned with what a perfume can do to create me as i present myself to the world. That mostly excludes unpolishedly naturalistic plants at this point. (Btw a 20 y o coworker who is just starting to get into perfume told me that someone introduced him to Pulp and he loved it so much! It is a good entry point to unisex niche perfume - beautiful, approachable but characterful, different from most designer scents, especially as marketed to men. I'd probably still it like very much on someone else.)

Having spent 4 notes app pages on Pulp I'll be brief on the fruit shampoo types: Kirke by Tiziana Terenzi, Antigua by Phaedon, Eau de Rhubarbe by Hermes, Sirio by Mendittorosa, I wanna say Cedrat Boise by Mancera. The widely recommended fruity one by Mancera anyway. So turns out banana flavored candy isn't weird bc it's based on an extinct breed, it just uses a single flavor compound out of the bouquet found in real bananas, so the flavor comes off distorted. This is I think what people mean when they use "synthetic" as a criticism in perfume. I assume that for shampoo they mix individually made molecules, which is what causes unnatural-seeming compositions, even if the ingredients themselves aren't in any way worse by being synthetic. All the above fragrances have that screechy, fruit-scented toiletries/household chemicals vibe to me, plus Kirke and Antigua at least have some kinda sickly musk note that I don't get along with. I've also encountered it in a number of of woody-fresh cologne type scents. So these fragrances are all widely beloved (except maybe the Mendittorosa on account of being less well known), I think because of what I outlined with Pulp - they're bright and friendly but still fairly unusual. Common notes i believe are lychee or rhubarb - tart, juicy and sweet, which I guess is what most people look for in this type of fragrance. I'm just particularly sensitive to their type of dissonance. Eau de Rhubarbe i think is the most successful one of these - only inelegant, but for the most part I find them fully unpleasant.

Speaking of unpleasant, let me briefly return to Byredo. Mixed Emotions vs Amouage Jubilation XXV

So after my first unsuccessful run at Amouage with the florals I held off on trying their big iconic scent for years. The way people spoke of Jubilation it's this amazing layered masterpiece of resins, woods and fruit, meant for like distinguished gentlemen. Obviously I never felt like I could pull it off, but earlier this year I decided to have another go at Amouage as well as figure out fruit, so I finally tried it out. And yeah it's alright. I think what I'm realizing is that these niche fragrances massively popular among men are always gonna be on the safe side, but spoken of as hugely transgressive bc they smell a little bit outside of menthol shaving foam. Jubilation is soft, deep, smooth and resinous, with like an overtone of sweet-spicy toothpaste freshness I'd put down to blackberry, orange zest and tarragon. Very attractive, would not feel incongruous on any age or gender, for sure not a mature man kinda scent. I went on two week-long trips within a month in August/September and wore it throughout for like professional and leasure occasions and it never felt out of place, I never wanted for anything else. Dudes online are big mad abt alleged weak reformulations, idk abt that, however I will say it is kinda subtle and I wouldnt pay Amouage money for it.

So given that 15 years ago Amouage came out with this hugely popular cult hit, why would Byredo in 2021 make basically the same thing but worse? Black currant for blackberry and birch smoke and mate for all the woods and resins, Mixed Emotions to me is just a loud, unbalanced version of Jubilation, though idk that i've seen anyone else make the comparison. It's very northern forest, tree sap and berries, which is kind of an obvious combination and doesn't make it feel less heavy-handed. Junk by Lush feels adjacent, which is not a compliment. A recurring review phrase is cough syrup. The fruit is scratchy and cloying, overconcentrated. I kept trying to get myself to like Mixed Emotions, but given that it feels like basically a worse version of something that's just pretty nice but not worth the money, it's probably time to give up on her.

So do I hate a scratchy, cloying preserve-like fruit? Not necessarily.

Mendittorosa Rituale

I am a mark for Mendittorosa. I feel like i can still tell when they really don't work for me, but I probably exaggerate how special the ones i do like are. Anyway.

The vibe is nectar: flowers, blackcurrant, pomegranate, raspberry, honey, beeswax. Its heavy and sweet while having a rough scratchy quality (down to beeswax, patchouli and hyrax I'd guess) that can give gourmands a real kitchen-y feel. Mugler AMen has that imo, as well as El Born by Carner Barcelona, both of which suggest rustic dessert to me. Rituale is not really like them them with its big heady floral and fruit elements but that effect is the same. It's like when you have a very sweet pastry with black coffe. Rituale puts me in mind of traditional desserts that use preserves, honey and rose water in a way that doesnt get along with my modern milk chocolate sour gummy palette, so it is a little bit challenging. Going off the notes alone, I was very excited but also apprehensive about this one, I expected it to be either breathtakingly beautiful or just fully disgusting. Especially lavender can really fuck things up for me when it goes nauseating soapy-sweet potpourri. And some of that is there: i notice the lavender and the whole composition teeters on the edge of sickly, but never quite goes there. The actual flowers throughout its middle stage (rose, jasmine, narcissus, what do daffodils even smell like?) give me this high-summer orchard honey bee fantasy. Raspberry is i think the most prominent opening impression, maybe pomegranate, quickly overtaken by floral honey. That's probably the way to discuss the florals in here - not flowers but the way e.g. linden honey can smell of flowers & pollen. Beeswax is also discernible from the very beginning. As it sits and the fruit recedes it goes from nectar fantasy to complex rosewater dessert while always maintaining that little bit of low-pitched roughness you usually get with honey fragrances, just enough to keep things interesting. It's all a whole lot. The very end is a rounder mellower sweetness, feels like vanilla to my nose, but might be some combination of the woods, resins and beeswax. I wish I perceived more of the hyrax, some people complain about it being crazy animalic and i just don’t get that at all unfortunately. I love dirty animal shit :( On the other hand it already has borderline too much going on.

If Mendittorosa made small beautiful bottles Rituale would be a no-brainer to get. It is a very special combination of rich and opulent while also consisting of what to me reads as basically all food-like botanical notes. Real nectar and ambrosia vibes. Very different from those fresh effervescent unisex fruits, a very cool take on the genre imo. And like, yeah, if I'm so bored of fruits, maybe my one fruit perfume to have should be the one that's unlike any of the others. But even with this one, I'm not sure that I want to smell like this! There is again an air of botanical unfuckability about this one that makes it a little emotionally confusing. Not sure what mood I'd want it for, especially if we're talking about getting a bit expensive bottle. I think I wore it for my 29th or 30th birthday, she's festive and attention-grabbing but doesn't necessarily make me feel attractive. One idea I'm holding out for is that if I tried it from an atomizer instead of the shitty dabbing wand sample and got a more accurate idea of how it wears from the bottle, there would be more hyrax and that'd swing it into something more obviously my style. As is it may or may not be my one fruit but for sure points to some directions to continue thinking in.

Putting here so I don't forget my other fruits to discuss: Un Jardin sur le Nil, Pomegranate Noir, Wilde, Bitter Peach, Peau de Peche. And then the figs.

[fandommemequeen]

time is passing and i dont like it

[doebt]

i've gotta get thru this whole thing of feeling horrible bc i have so very very very little true friendships.. this is not sustainable..why can't i be happy w myself, why can't i be my own friend

[ohsweetflips]

not to be sentimental on main but tbh in the turmoil that...... kinda everything has been, the one kinda stabilizing thing for me has been finally feeling like i'm solidifying in my gender and finally being Okay with kinda having a much more fluid overall label. like, they/them pronouns fuck, have considered he/him but nothing definite there, i think i am like officially okay with being called just jordyn (aka i've reminded myself that jordyn/jordan are already considered gender neutral names and have separated myself from the idea that many people have told me that the 'y' makes it feminine akjsdjkds), i feel like i'm def nonbinary and get a strong rush of serotonin by referring to myself as boy (loosely) and girl for the memes. and tbh wrt my sexuality, like idk man! i think so many people are hot but i have never been more in a state of "i crave the idea of romance but the thought of actually dating anyone is so unappealing it's wild"

and like, it's kinda wild, bc i feel like never before have i really understood/felt the line "to not want to spend your entire life screaming on the inside" but here we are! but like, telling irl people will be baby steps. i have an idea for who i want to start with in my main friend group but, you know, baby steps!!!!!

anyways. not to be sentimental on main but for how shitty things have been recently, it's been nice to have something stable to hold onto akjdskjdsj

(don't reblog akjsdkjdkj this isn't a Bad post but i am still a bit weird abt overt sentimentality)

[luuxxart]

Hey! What’s your take on Ness and Paula’s relationship? The same goes for Jeff and Tony. It’s just that ik you ship Nesspaula and Jefftony and I’m curious on what you have in mind for them.

Heyo!! sorry this took so long to get to! I’ve had a pretty busy couple of days lol

I’m just gonna go ahead and do that little couple meme for them! It’s hard to really describe how I feel abt them in words bc I haven’t really written a whole lot w them yet. I have everything plotted out thoughh

Keep in mind in my version of the Chosen 4 & Tony they’re 18+ because Im not writing for preteens :/ that is like one of the Most Unappealing things to me ever.

Notes on the Meme:

I forgot what level of thickness I drew Ness and Paula’s outlines w and just went w a regular 2.0 for Jeff and Tony,,,,, oops

My version of Ness is a quarter Japanese on his dad’s side, which is why his last name is Doi. (also ninten doi obv lol)

((and just for shits and giggles I might as well mention that he also has Russian ancestry on his mom’s side bc I thought Ana Telekenov was a fun name))

Charcot comes from Jean Martin Charcot, an inspiration of Sigmund Freud and an important neurologist

I always was confused as to if Paula’s last name is Jones or Polestar, so I think it would be cute if Ness called her “Paula Polestar” as a pet name

He’s also your regular old high school dude bro so you know all of his friends have weird names too (so far I’ve planned Zippo and Ringo at least)

The C. stands for Coffee, probably. Or at least, that’s what Ness thinks. I’ll leave the real answer up to you

Faraday comes from Michael Faraday, who studied electromagnetism

He doesn’t have a middle name

He’s one of those guys lmao

(maybe he’ll pull a Harry S Truman later and just pretend to have one)

Tony isn’t a little spoon so much as he is a spatula

I feel like Tony’s super high jealousy level is popular fanon but at the same time I don’t know where it came from. Idk if there’s anything in canon to support it either????? But anyway I feel very strongly about this one

Ness is super high key jealous bc,,,,, plot point i Wanna do in Fourside

Notes on the Story:

Ness and Paula have been communicating telepathically since they’ve been around 15 and only started getting flirtatious around the onset of the adventure (just before the meteor crash)

They get together @ Restful Peace Valley

Jeff and Tony started dating their first year in college

And they were roomates

Yeah I don’t know how to explain the fact that they’d still all wear the same uniform while being in college but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And even though Tony usually initiates things they both end up proposing at the same time the first time Ness, Paula, and Jeff go back to Winters

This probably says more about them than anything but

Ness and Paula have The Beatles

and Jeff and Tony have Queen

[littlespoonevan]

Ik you’re probably a busy person but if you ever wrote a fic about gallavich being soft, domestic husbands I think I’d combust

anon said:Can we pretend i didn’t just said that? Gallavich

anon said: "Can we pretend I didn’t just say that?“ for Gallavich please!

asjksdh okay i have been thinking abt this for weeks. this is disgustingly domestic and i’m so sorry but i legit Could Not help myself lol enjoy

*

Ian bats aimlessly at his alarm clock when it startsringing, curling his arms back around Mickey as soon as he gets it to stop.“S’your turn to make breakfast,” he mutters, words half muffled by Mickey’sshoulder.

Mickey makes a sound somewhere between a groan and agrunt, dragging the covers up tighter around them. “’m supposed to get Frannyup.”

“You did that yesterday,” Ian mumbles, half-heartedlypushing at Mickey’s side only to reel him back in close against him when hemoves an inch.

Mickey grumbles something unintelligible, pullingIan’s arm tight around him like it’s a blanket. “Can’t Carl do it? Earn hisfuckin’ keep here?”

“Carl’s got the early shift this morning,” Ianreplies with a great amount of effort. Fuck he wants to go back to sleep. “He’salready gone.”

Mickey huffs but neither of them make an attempt tomove, the cold January morning seeming far too unappealing when they’re wrappedup so comfortably in each other’s arms. Ian is just on the brink of fallingback to sleep when the tell-tale patter of footsteps make their way into theirroom. Holding back a whimper, Ian lifts his head, squinting over Mickey’sshoulder to where Franny’s standing patiently in front of their bed.

“Franny, who helped you get ready yesterday morning?”he asks.

“Uncle Ian!” she announces proudly, pointing straightat him, and Ian doesn’t need to look down to know Mickey’s grinning smugly evenwith his eyes still closed.

“Have fun making breakfast,” Mickey tells him,finally deigning to get up properly as he sits up and holds his arms out toFranny. “Come on, kid, let’s play naptime before you get dressed.”

Ian lets out a long-suffering sigh, climbing overMickey as he picks Franny up and plonks her on the spot Ian just vacated.“Remember, count to one hundred and then you wake Uncle Mickey up from hisnap,” Mickey tells her, waiting for Franny’s serious nod before he lies backdown, throws Ian one last satisfied smirk and closes his eyes.

Ian flips him off when Franny’s not looking and dragshimself into the bathroom.

*

Mickey makes his way down the stairs with Frannyfifteen minutes later, both of them fully dressed and presentable, and fightsback a grin at the sight of Ian at the stove. As soon as they enter kitchen hedeposits Franny in her chair at the table next to Liam and ambles over to Ian,hugging him from behind and burying his face between Ian’s shoulder blades.

“You already got like ten extra minutes in bed,” Iancomplains, smacking his hand lightly with the spatula. When Mickey doesn’tdignify that with a response he continues with a soft, “You want eggs?”

“Yes please,” Mickey mumbles, taking a second tomarvel at the fact that this is somehow what counts for normality in his lifenow.

“Liam,” Ian calls. “You want toast with your eggs?”

“Yeah,” Liam says as Mickey hears the scraping of thechair on the linoleum floor. “I’ll get the toaster, your husband seemsincapacitated.”

“Hey, I’m doin’ just fine right here,” Mickey retorts,mouth lifting up in satisfaction at the way Ian leans into him a little more.“But throw on a slice for me too, would ya?”

He doesn’t miss the very deliberate eyeroll Liamthrows him as he passes them but Mickey sees him put an extra slice of bread inthe toaster for him so he decides not to bitch about it.

Ian touches his hand then, looking over his shoulderto get Mickey’s attention. “You able to pick up Franny from Kev and V’s later?”he asks. “I’m not gonna be home ‘til after 6.”

“I got it,” Mickey says, leaning up on his toes to presstheir lips together before Ian can go back to focusing on the eggs.

“Thank you,” Ian murmurs, covering Mickey’s hand withhis own for a minute before he shakes him off to start divvying up the eggsonto plates. “Liam, make sure you got everything for school alright? We’releaving straight after breakfast.”

“Got it,” Liam says, sliding past them with aplateful of toast. And it’s weird, Mickey thinks, how much of a routine they’veestablished in such a short time. Hell, Debbie’s only been for a week or two.But this feels so settled, so comfortable, Mickey can’t really remember whatthey used to do in the mornings before this.

*

As soon as Ian steps through the door that evening hedrops his gear bag heavily on the floor, just about managing to hang his coaton the hook and toe off his shoes before he’s diving headfirst onto the couchand into Mickey’s lap. He spends approximately ten seconds rearranging himselfuntil he’s curled on his side with his head on Mickey’s lap before he’s contentthat this is how he’s gonna stay for the rest of the night. “Mm, hey.”

Mickey huffs out a laugh, hand travelling to Ian’shead as his fingers run through Ian’s hair. “Hey. Long day?”

“There was a car accident downtown,” Ian sighs,closing his eyes as Mickey’s ministrations ease the tension in his temples.“Three cars and a van. It was messy.”

Mickey hums in sympathy and Ian is so fucking gladhe’s home with him again. “You eat anything?”

“Not since lunch,” Ian yawns.

“Wanna order a pizza for dinner then?”

Ian feels his mouth lift in a smile, blindly reachingup to pat whatever part of Mickey he can reach. “This is why I married you.”

“Just this, huh?” Mickey asks sceptically. “Nothin’to do with you bein’ obsessed with me since you were fifteen?”

Ian rolls onto his back to stare up at Mickey withshrewd eyes. “Pretty sure it was a mutual obsession.”

“In your dreams, firecrotch,” Mickey scoffs but thesoftness in his eyes betrays him. It always does.

Ian loves it.

“Everything go okay with Liam and Franny?”

“Last I checked Liam was doin’ homework and Frannywas colouring,” Mickey says. “They’re in the kitchen.”

Ian nods, finds Mickey’s hand and gives it gratefulsqueeze. With Lip moved out and renovating the new house and Debbie potentiallygetting locked up, Ian honestly doesn’t know what he would’ve done if Mickeyhadn’t been here to help him deal with all of this.

As if knowing he’s being discussed, Liam comes intothe living room, announcing his presence with a snort – no doubt at theirposition on the couch.

“Hey, little man,” Ian greets, holding an arm out togesture Liam over.

He comes, albeit reluctantly since he’s currently atthat age where he’s pretending he’s too old for affection. It just makes Ianwant to hug him harder, make up for all the ways Liam got left to the waysidethe past few months.

He pulls Liam onto the edge of the couch, holding himin place with an arm around his middle. “You have a good day at school?”

“It was fine,” he says, ever an open book.

“How’d the book report go?”

“Crushed it, obviously.”

Ian grins, reaching up with his free hand to ruffleLiam’s hair. “Hell yeah you did. You want pizza for dinner?”

Liam turns to look between him and Mickey, eyebrowsraised suspiciously like they’re bullshitting him. “Always.”

“Get the takeout menu off the fridge and call it in,”Ian tells him. “Pick whatever you want.”

“No fucking anchovies though,” Mickey warns.

Liam waves him off, standing up when Ian releases himand scuttling back into the kitchen.

Ian relaxes back into the couch then, head stillpillowed on Mickey’s thigh as he closes his eyes once again.

“You plannin’ on staying like this all night?” Mickeyasks bemusedly, even as he reaches his hand up to run over Ian’s arm.

“Nah, I’ll sit up to eat my pizza.”

Mickey lets out a laugh, touch making Ian tingle ashe scratches at the base of Ian’s skull. “Whatever. Don’t come cryin’ to mewhen you get a crick in your neck.”

*

Later on, when they’ve gorged on too much pizza andMickey is slipping pleasantly into a food coma Ian begrudgingly drags himselfaway from Mickey’s side to put Franny to bed. “Come on, munchkin,” he says,swinging her up into his arms and stepping over the toys on the floor to getaround the couch. “Time to brush your teeth.”

Mickey watches him go and feels a fierce kind offondness burn in his stomach. He always thought he was immune to that girlybullshit of finding guys who are good with kids attractive but evidently not.Or maybe he just finds Ian attractive – in every context.

He doesn’t realise he’s being watched until Liamspeaks, making him snap his gaze guiltily away from Ian’s retreating figure upthe stairs.

“Are you and Ian gonna move out?” Liam asks andMickey screws his face up in confusion.

“Why the fu- why would we do that?” he says, clearinghis throat. He’s been trying to swear less in front of the kids. Fat fuckinglot of good it does when Carl curses like a champ. “We got a perfectly goodhouse here.”

Liam shrugs. “Fiona did and now Lip has too. It kindof makes the most sense for you two to move out next since you’re married andall.”

Mickey eyes him for a minute, catches sight of theway Liam’s shoulders hunch slightly under his scrutiny and feels his own oldabandonment issues come to the surface. He’s pretty sure he knows why the kid’sasking. “Nah, man,” he says casually. “Me and Ian are on probation and have nomoney after the wedding. We’re only both just getting back to work – we’re notgoing anywhere for a while.”

Liam nods and he looks way too fucking pensive for aten year old.

“Besides,” Mickey finds himself continuing, feelingawkward and entirely unsure of how to navigate this conversation. He’s stillgetting used to being sincere with people who aren’t Ian. “Even if we did moveout you know your brother’d kill me if we didn’t take you with us.”

And it’s worth it to see the way Liam immediatelyperks up. “Seriously?”

“Hell yeah. Ian’s not gonna leave you alone untilyou’re eighteen. Prepare yourself; you’re gonna be sick of him by then.”

Liam pauses for a moment before saying a quiet, “Thanks,Mickey,” and wearing a genuine smile on his face for once as he pushes himselfout of his chair.

Ian comes back down the stairs as he starts to leavethe room, stalling him with a hand on his shoulder. “You okay, buddy?”

“Yeah,” Liam nods. “Just gonna read for a while beforebed.”

“Nerd,” Ian teases gently, an affectionate smile onhis face that does things to Mickey’s heart. “See you in the morning.”

Ian locks eyes with him as soon as Liam’s gone andMickey really thought he’d be used to the way his insides go all warm when Ianlooks at him like that but apparently not. Ian takes a seat next to him againand Mickey somehow ends up with his legs half draped over Ian’s as he turns toface him. He’d say it’s part of the honeymoon phase but truth is, as soon as hefinally felt comfortable enough to touch Ian however and whenever he wanted hecouldn’t stop. He can’t now either.

“Thank you,” Ian says when they’re settled, one ofhis arms around Mickey’s shoulders while his fingers dance over the exposedskin there. “For helping out, I mean. I know this isn’t exactly how you plannedfor our first few weeks of married life to go.”

Mickey offers him a self-deprecating shrug. “You knowI don’t mind,” he says softly. “Besides, it’s good practice, right?”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth he wants totake them back. Not least of all because Ian is suddenly staring at him withwide eyes, mouth dropped open in shock.

“Okay can we pretend I didn’t just say that?” hestarts but Ian cuts him off with a frantic shake of his head.

“Nope!” he declares, looking way too fuckingdelighted as he grabs hold of Mickey’s wrist. “Did you just say you’re enjoyingdomestic life? With kids?”

Mickey rolls his eyes so hard they almost roll rightout of his head, shoving Ian’s chest. “No, I did not say that. Fuck you.”

“Little bit you did though,” Ian grins, wrestling himuntil he’s pulled Mickey beneath him and is leaning up over him on his elbows.“Mickey Milkovich: house husband. Who would’ve thought?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Mickey grouses but there’s noheat behind the words.

Ian’s expression softens and he leans down untilthere’s hardly an inch of space between them. “For the record,” he murmurs. “Ididn’t think it was possible to be more attracted to you until I saw youcooking dinner with a toddler on your hip.”

Mickey groans, covering his face with his hands tohide the fact he’s about to start blushing hard. “Jesus christ, Ian.”

Ian attempts to pull his hands away and after a smallsigh of defeat, Mickey lets him. “You need to go steal a car or something? Makeyourself feel like a bad boy again?”

Mickey glares at him and tries desperately hard notto smile. It’s not his fault Ian’s goofy-lookin’ grin is so fucking infectious.“I fucking hate you.”

“Hate you too,” Ian beams, closing the distance betweenthem and drawing Mickey into a languid kiss.

And Mickey’s helpless not to kiss back, helplessagainst the way his toes curl when Ian flicks his tongue against his. Twistinghis hands in Ian’s hair, he pulls him down further and holds him place.

Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hate Ian all that much.

*

[pulquedeguayaba]

Ofc i was going to finally decide to fix my life and give it purpose in the middle of a fucking pandemic and overall massive crises in all fronts.

Talk abt fucking timing.

Also, the things I want/have wanted and my different choices are affected heavily due to it and so, it's also hard to find motivation when everything else seems unappealing, and most importantly pointless to the overall thing I wanna do. Which again is just a blur, my mum said to do negative motivation (as in think about what you do not want for you) but it has its limits.

I also feel old and lame and feel that this limits my chances for reaching places. 28 is not really old but isn't young either, also am close to my half life so that isn't encouraging either.

I do have the intentions and am working on fixing things, but it's super slow and am getting anxious again and this is bad for trying to keep my addiction in check (I refuse to quit but I know it has to be a scheduled ordered and balanced thing that doesn't affect my life), but relapsing is not an option atm, thank god (cos where am staying atm I cant relapse as easily).

I do need a place on my own. Not for some whatever bs I used to think abt that, but as to have my own schedules and times and doing things at my own pace without getting antsy becos of others. Serious alone time would do wonders atm and honestly I cant wait for next month to do it.

I still don't have a home tho, I lost that years ago and I don't know when I will find one again. It's been quite cold but I have to make do in the meantime.

And these are not realistic solutions and waiting for them to happen doesnt help either but fantasizing abt something happening that forces my life to change drastically for the best or adderall as the way of my getting everything done in like 3 days (with the very likely downside of becoming addicted and screwing myself up again but in a different flavour).

Ngl I would probably fix half of my shit in 3 days if I did take adderall tho, shame it's very expensive and hard to get here.

[honhonluigi]

abt the waifu bait stuff, do u consider Mikan 2 be waifu-bait I mean, she does act a bit "waifubaitey" but i think her backstory kinda explains that

Nah, I definitely that Mikan acts waifu-baitey sometimes, and she obviously has her waifu-bait moments, but I wouldn’t consider her a full on waifu-bait character. Just like Hina has her waifu-bait moments (AKA the bedroom scene), but there’s way more to her than just to be waifu-bait and a typical het love interest. 

There’s way more that Mikan has to offer the story than just being waifu-bait, especially her plot involving Junko and all that. That’s important to the main story and it’s something that’s not just “oooh look how wonderful and flawless Mikan is for saving the world/saving the MC/sacrificing herself/solving the puzzle/etc”. Waifu-bait plots put the waifu-bait character in a position of extreme importance and make them flawless, selfless, perfect, a cinnamon-roll, etc. Mikan’s story is that she goes crazy and kills two people over her yandere-feelings for Junko. It’s not something that’s forcing us to like her or bow down to how perfect and important she is. 

And the same goes for her personality. There’s a lot more to her than just waifu-bait traits. She has some- like the secret pervy side and the shyness- but most of her is just a person, with flaws and strengths. The shyness borders on annoying territory, the sex obsession dives into weird and creepy, overall she gives off some really creepy and/or pathetic vibes that would give characters and the audience a reason to dislike her. The problem with Waifu-bait characters is that they have no flaws. There is no reasonable argument for why the audience or characters shouldn’t like a waifu-bait character. Their personalities and every action they do are perfect because they are designed with no other goal than to be thirsted over and worshiped. Mikan is deep and flawed. She has a lot of backstory and personality that includes unappealing traits or just traits about her that aren’t designed to make her more likable. All of a waifu-bait character’s traits and personality are things that make them more fanservicey, like being clumsy, or ditsy/stupid, or sleepy, or liking anime/manga, or liking video games, or loving sweets/snacks. Those are some pretty staple waifu-bait traits. 

On top of that, Mikan’s personality makes sense- flaws and strengths and all. The waifu-bait parts about her seem to fit together with the parts that aren’t waifu-bait. I can see a good reason for her to like being a nurse, for her to have a control problem, for her to be shy and anxious, for her to be manic, and for her to be pervy. It all meshes together well and feels believable, like a cohesive person. Even the things that are waifu-bait-worthy about Mikan feel like they belong to her personality, feel like they mix with everything else well, feel like they make sense as a part of her. Whereas with other just waifu-bait characters, all of their traits are random crap that’s just shoved in to make them more likable. Random stuff that doesn’t connect together, doesn’t fit, doesn’t make sense, and doesn’t feel natural as a personality. It feels like a collection of every “cutesy” or “appealing” trait you can get without any real collective personality or reason for those traits to be together/be there at all. 

So yeah, I think Mikan has her waifu-bait moments- like most girl characters- but I think there is a lot more to her than just being the waifu-bait character. I love Mikan and she’s absolutely one of my favorite characters. I’ll be honest, I don’t really think Mahiru is waifu-bait either. I think Maki, Chiaki, and Sayaka are waifu-bait characters. 

[imbruedinfear-a]

@undeadrphub​ asked: ALL OF THEM FOR JAY

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

this man would kill to be taller in .0002 seconds if he could. he was bullied for his height, bullied for being severely underweight, bullied for feminine hips, for.. literally anything. he hates it all. as an adult, he’s managed to pull himself out of the underweight category, but it’s solely from muscle. he’s still incredibly thin and small, just as he’s always been. you can’t get him to be comfortable without an oversized hoodie to hide in. he vaguely cares about being attractive, but it’s more ‘i don’t want them to be embarrassed to be hanging out with someone as fucking ugly as i am’ than anything else. if he’s not working or going out with people, he won’t even think of trying to improve appearance.

���  :    how does my muse feel about plastic  /  cosmetic surgeries   &   procedures?  is it something they have done or would do?  do they mind if others do it? 

dislike. who the fuck cares about their appearance that much? granted, he’s had a nose job, but it was so he could still fucking breathe rather than cosmetics. he won’t dislike you as a person for it, but he’s going to instantly find you unappealing. it just bothers him for some reason.

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

stability whomst? he has two modes of health: sick once a year or sick every other week. it depends on how much food he’s been eating and whether or not he’s blown food money on beer. fuck doctors. his overall health is fucked. doctors cannot explain why he doesn’t have x problems and how he’s even still alive after all of the beatings he’s had, especially when it comes to the brain damage. he has seizures, sometimes an arm will stop working for a bit, sometimes he can’t hold anything, sometimes he’ll have a burst of amnesia. he’s a medical mystery to the point there are literal scientific articles on his case, and 98% of the time if he lands in the hospital for something they’ll just shrug it off. it’s gotten to the point he’ll break bones and still not go, because he learned how to fix that fucking problem himself when he was like 12.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy? 

:^) he’s gotten away with murder ( though it was self-defense ) through the insanity claim, which is actually really fucking hard to use. that should give you an idea of his scores on mental exams. but again, he has brain damage, and every single psych he’s ever interacted with has mentioned that they can no longer determine what’s an actual mental illness or what’s just his brain being physically unable to function correctly. he’s never been to therapy, but he’s been tested several times. his scores changed every time, for every section. the only thing anyone’s certain on is PTSD. Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia have been heavily considered, but even professionals argue with each other. he’s a medical mystery even in mental health. he needs therapy, but his disorders make him extremely avoidant of it. that is not to say everything i listed is true, nor is it to say there isn’t anything unlisted here.

🍑  :    how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance?  do they spend a lot of time on their hair,  makeup,  grooming,  and clothing?  is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?  

oof. how anxious is he? if he’s anxious, he’ll fix himself 1000x times. if he’s not doing anything special, he’ll walk out the door without a second thought. he doesn’t spend a lot of time on anything, but he does make sure he’s well groomed and put together. it should be noted, though, he doesn’t look in the mirror. his own apartment doesn’t have one, and he avoids public restrooms like the plague. his own reflection is a fucking trigger. this is probably why his eyeliner is always smudged.

🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?  

confusing as fuck. he’s lonely as hell and constantly wants to hangout with people, but he also will have periods of avoiding them like the fucking plague. he loves hanging out! he fucking hates being out! who knows! for the most part, he has a lot of friends in a lot of places and will gladly drink with any group of strangers, but he’ll yeet the fuck out if you try actually getting close to him. he’s alone, always, at home and only around people when working or getting fucked up. having other people around too often, like a roommate perhaps, will make his mental health act the fuck up.

🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood? 

in his words, it was a great big pile of horseshit on fire. he literally has brain damage from it. he can’t leave his own room without convincing himself it’s going to be his living room, not his childhood home, and sometimes he’ll open the bedroom door and see his father standing there, and then he’ll fucking yeet back into bed. obviously it’s impacted him just a smidge. definitely not full of self-hatred and constantly fighting himself to do shit he likes, absolutely most definitely not traumatized in a million forms and continues to trigger himself because how the fuck do you go about your day not panicking half of the time. IN OTHER WORDS, he was a fucking parent to his brother when he was only 4, he would rather die in the most slow, most painful death than return to childhood. is he even still alive bc he doesn’t know

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart? 

if you knew him before his skull was caved in, you would call him a freak for how fast he could think and solve problems. he was the type of genius you’d only heard about in stories, and he pissed off his teachers because he never even needed to be taught. show him the super simple problem once and he knew how to do everything for the next three weeks. he grew up on the streets and read shakespeare for fun. he lost it all. it now only shows rarely, on really good days, when the stars want to align.

🍉  :    which of the four seasons suits my muse best,  and why? 

summer. he literally lived outside most of the time since he was a kid, and summer nights were easiest. outdoor concerts, parties late at night, cookouts and campfires. he also loves storms.

🍌  :    is my muse inclined to help others,  or will they only do it when it benefits them,  if at all?  what makes them this way?  has it ever gotten them into trouble,  or inconvenienced them?

which personality is showing most at the time? he’s gotten accused of rape for helping a woman once. let that sink in. but also, he’s helped so many people he’s protected by half the city’s underworld. who knows.

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes? 

o k a y listen. these r getting too hard i literally don’t know ok can i asked which disorder or which personality is showing most at the time for this bc IT CHANGES like everything always does. mostly, he’s,, weird. he actively seeks it out in the sense he’ll go on dates regularly, but he’s not actually trying to find a girlfriend. he’s carefree. also traumatized. really wanted romance until his heart was ripped to shreds and now he’s convinced himself he’s not lovable, too complicated, extremely undesirable, and especially undeserving of it. he won’t let it happen. no one should have to suffer by having to deal with him. if you’re including things that were just for fun and both parties knew it wasn’t serious, he’s had a few girlfriends. if we’re only including serious things, then he’s only had (1) serious boyfriend. They were together for nearly two years, and they split solely because Jeremiah a) didn’t want sex as much and b) didn’t want to try any kinks. def no trauma from that, absolutely doesn’t panic abt not being good enough or wanting it enough or being pleasing or being fun or attractive or too scarred. nope. also totally doesn’t do shit he doesn’t even like / triggers him just bc they want it gotta give it to them. perfectly fuckin’ fine after one relationship.

🍓  :    how is my muse typically seen by others?  does it ring true to who they really are?  does their reputation matter to them? 

our options: 1) aggressive 2) smooth n flirty 3) soft n adorable. he is all of the above. if you’re from the city and connected to the drug world at all, there’s a big ass chance you’re aware he was a major dealer at one point, the son of a psycho serial killer, and connected to damn near every gang in some way. there are few people who would be stupid enough to hurt him, just because there’s probably some member somewhere who’s going to get revenge for it. his rep is pretty positive if ur aware he basically turned the outskirts of the city from a shithole to a really good community. otherwise, u probably just think ‘criminally insane deliquent’. he doesnt rly care about it unless u start asking about his fucking dad.

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it? 

b r u h i dont fuckin know im skipping this one, he’s just obsessive compulsive about the oddest things

🍋  :    what kind of diet does my muse have?  do they eat regularly,  or the standard 2-3 meals a day?  do they have to be reminded to eat,  or are they likely to remind others?  do they cook,  or have others cook for them?  do they eat healthily,  or not so much?  

no diet. no food. eat if money, starve if none. remember to eat who?? o u mean eat everything. who fucking knows. he can cook really well, sometimes, maybe. pizza and taco bell 4 life. fuck vegetables. fruits are delicious and to be treasured. he mostly eats like shit, if he eats at all.

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero? did they move away,  or do they wish to?

none. no fucks given. still here bc no money to move. would happily fuck off to Paris or something.

[seafoam-taide]

fuck your life. three of them ♪ ♪ ♪

WOOOOOOOOO YEAH THREE OF THEM

Angel Eyes and Basketball by Foot Ox

There are flowers growing all around a massive animal inside of me And it's so ugly And I'm so broken And I'm so ugly And it's so broken

not a ton to say abt this other than like. oh are these lines good to sing along to. honestly this song is perfect for putting a concerning amount of feeling into singing along to!

Horrible Oracle by Diet Tea Other Cola

You're a horrible oracle, but I wanna get to know you I hope you explode into a thousand fucking pieces

Reach out and shake its hand It's disembodied It's missing probably somewhere out in the sand Take a full day to search if you think its gonna work out Bleached Cow Skull; my best friend He doesn't judge me when I say I want the world to end Sometimes I just need to burn a few bridges

honestly i have no idea what these lyrics mean i just love this song and the like. bittersweet tone of it during this part literally makes me want to cry sometimes but i have no idea what i am even crying about

The Crooked Kind by Radical Face

So, collect your scars and wear 'em well Your blood's as good an ink as any Go scratch your name into the clouds And pull 'em all… down

WELL OKAY THEN. UH. WHAT A COINCIDENCE (i really need to watch that video about how spotify's shuffle isn't really random) ANYWAY TAKE A WILD GUESS WHY THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART. TAKE A WILD GUESS

okay im cheating and saying that last one doesn't count so i'm doing another

Bugbear by chloe moriondo

Sleepin' through your days and skippin' meals Must sound so unappealing But I guess it's different when it's the norm Sinking deeper into whatever this is without a hint of reflection Can't tell if this is the calm or if this is the storm Giving everything I've got Equates to about a shower and wakin' up late Faced with anything I tend to flee So when I'm thrown into the adult world Where they do things that I never learned how to do I guess I'll live in a swamp or a tree

Ohohoho! Why if it isn't this fucking song!!! hello this song is in my playlist that is full of songs about all the things that make me sad and angry about myself. new addition too. inspired by. you know. Things. anyway these lines i picked these lines in particular because they are the ones i relate to the most though the entire song works for that too. also unrelated to me being emotional this song FUCKS. ok that is all thank u for givibng me ask petra <33

[marsupial-tapir]

mmmm boyo was supposed to go out clubbing w my new friend from ireland tonight but i ditched last second as in,, got to the door and said “sorry lads im too sick im gonna go home” and now!! mm boy big regrets!! listen objectively i kno from experience i find clubbing stressful and awful and its never gonna b a good fit for me but counterpoint: 1) that was a shitty thing to do, i made a new friend and now she’s got a rly good reason to be upset at me, 2) it could have been a rly good night! like theres a possibility i wouldve got on rly well with her friends and had lots of fun and now ill never know! and 3) ive spent the whole day bordering on the whole week feelign anxious and lonely and spare and yet at the first sign of an actual invite to hang out w people who wanted me there i panicked and bailed. im on exchange overseas for context, not that anyone’s reading this, but there u go, and im at the Bad part a few wks in where im both doing too much and meeting too many people while also doing not enough of either of those things. i know this. i know this was supposed to be a shitty time. but u kno what!! it was shitty last wk and now i think its just getting shittier!! this wasnt on the shittiness schedule!! im both craving and desperate for human contact and utterly exhausted and irritated by the prospect of getting it. every interaction w people here feels Wrong and difficult and increasingly annoying bc im starting from scratch every single time, and still feel like im getting nowhere and ive ended up w 600 000 polite friendly acquaintances and no one i actually feel relaxed around. and yet!! by the same token!! somehow its also an immense effort even to talk to the people im already friends with!! im feeling more and more distant and isolated from ppl back home and yet the concept of picking up my phone to tell them how im going is so completely exhausting and unappealing. i dont WANT to go to the effort of talking i just want to be comfortably Around other people, or i want to be a better more capable more easy-talking person who can easily keep contact w the people around me without feeling anxious abt talking or typing a message. and now im getting feelings like those relationships didnt actually run that deep in the first place, that im gonna go back and its gonna be the same thing in reverse when i realise i dont actually connect that well with ANYONE bc if i did well !! wouldnt this whole situation not have happened in the first place!! am i really that close w my parents after all? if i was wouldnt i want to talk to them more? wouldnt i be keeping them in my loops and not being exhausted by the feeling of Putting On A Talking Face just to tell them abt my day? do i actually rly even have close friends?? since i feel guilty both abt not talkign to them enough and guilty when i talk to them at all?? these are dumb questions with irrational answers but everything is hard!! fuck im stressed!! im lonely!! even this is just a grab for people to pay attention to me in the hope ill experience some real genuine human connection without actually having to have a conversation with anyone!! dont give it to me btw i need to go to bed rn so i can get a good nights sleep for fucking once since i cant seem to control myself enough to have a decent daily schedule!! what godfuckin point am i at in my life where i feel like id be feeling better rn if i was out clubbing. i probably wouldnt. but mb id b distracted at least. listen its Fine i got into this state bc a) im on the other side of the world all alone and it was bound to happen b) im tired and my body is riddled with infection, and both of those things are temporary worries and its gonna be better when my antibiotics kick in and i have enough energy to get thru a single day. i needed this ventpost to get it out and in a few wks im gonna be able to look back at this and know it got better afterwards. its fine im gonna be fine im gonna get back in the groove and im not gonna be alone for long. end rant

[unsquip]

i’m in the middle of iconing rn but. quick ramble abt the squ.ips, my personal hcs ig abt them & how they’re misinterpreted :

ok so. first & foremost, the sq.uips are not evil. certainly, they’re the antagonist of the musical, but it’s not really possible for a piece of technology to be “evil.” they just do what they’re programmed to do, & in the case of a supercomputer of quantum nanotech ( which i’ve read up on, g o d shit is cool & impressive as hell ) that are MEGA intelligent & much more efficient / high - functioning than the laptop i’m typing on rn, they’ll do whatever must be done to carry out their directives so long as it doesn’t mean harming their user. 

because one : the sq.uips are in their users brain, humans are delicate & therefore they wouldn’t want their host hurt or hating themselves as this would make for difficulties. when a squ.ip says things like “everything about you is so terrible” / “everything about you makes me wanna die” it’s more of.....an observation of what must be fixed & the degree of what must be fixed & also the users thoughts on themselves. jake’s sq.uip said “i was already pretty boss before, now i’m totally boss & then some more!” i.e. jake is self confident so why would it be like “dude.....you suck.” 

their soul function, as we know is to improve the life of their host. so unless it’s really malfunctioning or in a dire situation, it doesn’t spew insults daily for no reason. it critiques & corrects ;; when it does insult its user, it’s attacking weak spots it knows will be effective so that it’s user will work to correct [ insert imperfection here ]. it works to make its user feel comfortable in their skin, so i don’t think it would use dead names or misgender a user on purpose. in jeremy’s case, it wouldn’t just be like “you acne makes you look gross” but more like “i’ve gathered that you’re insecure about your acne...which does make you look unappealing, however i know of some helpful remedies.” 

basically, they’re not evil squiplords looking to take over the world & make kids hate themselves. now back to iconing.

[malenctzen-blog]

appreciation post

my best friend heimo made an and accurate and high quality ‘100 reasons to appreciate jaehyun from nct’ post :].

1) He always seems to have a smile on his face. 2) That boi loves his pda 3) Look how talented he is, which is very 4) I love how he loves all his members 5) He looks so cute and smol and soft 6) He is actually not cute and smol and soft but is 7) That kinky lil' shit👀 i see u whiplash​​​ 8) i like how hes always somewhere in the back, so awkward 9) "I lived in America for four years, that's why I'm here, man" 10) Look how tall that cutie is 11) His laugh is so cute and precious 12) i wanna hug him, look at how huggable 13) His modeling skils make me squeal 14) His dancing is amazing 15) CHERRY BOMB AND THOSE VISUALS 16) His personality shines bright like a dimen 17) He's also vv weird i love it 18) hIS SKIN IS SO AMAZING AND PRETTY 19) his eyesmile omg 20) HIS SMILE IN GENERAL I MEAN DIMPLES 22) His hair is just perfect, like him, always 23) one word okok F I R E T R U C K 24) SO SO SWEET THAT BB IS 25) Looks good in abt 107% of things he wears 26) He's a man who can do both 27) His english is so cute 28) Always tries his best, which i love 29) HE WORKS SO HARD 30) Is a respectful lil nutter butter 31) aa that bb boys aegyo game 32) Shows his love for his fans 33) Isn't a troublemaker okok hes a good kid 34) pREDEBUT JAEHYUN GIVES ME HOPE 35) Also in love w taeyong and doyoung 36) Knows how to Aesthetic™ 37) IS NOT A FAKE ASS TYVM 38) Likes smol fluffy things, me too bb me too 39) Just looking at him comforts me thats weird ik but it happens 40) Is probably the type to be disgusted @ ppl for pouring milk first 41) Loves to hang out with pals 42) Doesn't hate on younger members 43) He invented beauty 44) Can go from precious to sexy in 0.00002 seconds 45) Good Bodied Baby™ 46) He can rap, sing, nd dance 47) He will always try to cheer people up 48) His arms are gr8 and amazing and make me question lyfe 49) His beautiful and intense stare 50) Even does aegyo to random fans and loves making them smile 51) Would sell his own soul for someone else's happiness 52) Is so soft yet masculine 53) Tries, but not to hard to where it's annoying or unappealing 54) Is the type to hand you the tissue box and hug you while watching a sad movie 55) Very much shows his expression 56) He has many many talents 57) He is bilingual, which impresses me 58) He loves the Dreamies 59) That boi can cook 60) He has a playful sort of aura to him​​​ 61) I love those creases by his nose when he smiles 62) He is a sly bb which i find adorable idky 63) He has always stood out to me 64) Is a loyal lil pal 65) Believes that loving fans is important, they are family 66) Every video of him just seems to make me smile 67) Amazing on Night Night 68) He can selca a selca like no other selca 69) He's perfect for low quality icons 70) Is the type that considers suicide after they hit an animal with their car 71) Can make any picture seem happy w his face 72) Is pretty extra, but it's cute 73) Would respond with how talented someone is based off their distracK,, and it was abt him 74) Would help someone short with short people problems 75) Everything abt him is pretty to me wOw 76) Also total boyfriend material 77) HIS EYES FASCINATE ME SO MUCH 78) HuGs & HuGs & HuGs & he loves hugs i mean 79) Would be a great father one day 80) He never gives up on trying to make others happy 81) Is the type to apologize at least 7 times and then ask if you're okay again 82) Did I mention Aegyo King??? 83) He can make many people question their gender and sexuality 84) Would be the type to say "Well, it's the thought that counts" 85) NEVER FORGETS LOVED ONES' BIRTHDAYS 86) Competes for Mom of the Group™ 87) He's really just a bean 88) His dark hair makes me cry at night w its beauty 89) I love his name does this count ? its truthful 90) You can make so many puns w his name, and puns are great 91) His whole existence is brighter than the sun 92) His whole existence is also hotter than the sun 93) okaybutlike,,lowkeyalwaysgettinthosedaddyvibesooPs 94) His teeth are so perfect and white and amazing 95) Has anyone else noticed how pretty his hands are or is that weird 96) Gets flustered with love confessions 97) Cute when he gets up in the morning, lets be honest 98) He's probably playing w a puppy rn 99) He gives me this warm tingly feeling inside my heart when i ses him 100) He's our amazing, one and only, Jung Yoon-Oh, aka Jaehyun from NCT, so ofc I love him, he deserves the world and so much more.